*sigh*

okay... so i've always been pretty confident in who i am... was raised to believe i was beautiful and that there's more to a person than how they look on the outside... i think that's why when i looked in the mirror, i didn't see reality... i saw the person within...

but that bubble has been burst... i don't feel beautiful, or attractive, or desirable... i don't want anyone to look at me... or touch me... i feel pretty disgusting lately...

i guess i've just been watching too many make-over shows... and too much about hollywood... and even reading msg boards here... not that they all fat bash, but even the ppl just looking for friends (nothing more) won't even consider someone who's not attractive and slim... and i would just sit and wonder how ppl could be so shallow... but that's what this world is... and this weekend, i got it in my head that i have to fit that mold... that the person i am now just won't do...

i even tried to figure out how i could quickly fit what everyone expects... i visited ana and mia websites... and that scares me... i know both of those things are wrong (so anyone with a comment about how wrong that is can keep it to themselves)... and there are so many better ways to make myself more attractive... but the fact that i even had that in my mind makes me sick... what's wrong with me??? and why do i even care what those ppl think??? i used to be fairly happy with who i was... i just wanna go back to that...

if i can just make it through the next 2 weeks, i'll be at home with my family... and they'll set me straight again... until then, i promise not to do anything irrational... so don't everyone get all worried... and actually, i'd appreciate no comments on this post... i know what everyone is going to say, and it's not going to help... thanks...